Thursday, January 3, 2013

A tribute to the waning gibbous (poem)


Samuel Peralta over at dVerse encourages us to pay tribute to the waning gibbous by means of writing a
“single or a string of lunes, in whateve variation you feel like embracing
-a 5-3-5 syllabic Kelly lune, or
-a 3-5-3 word Collom lune.”

Well, moonstruck as I am, I chose to embrace something in between and accidentally created a new form.


a 3-5-3 syllabic Palmer loon (cough) lune

Daylight fades
Sister of the night
You emerge

Your headdress
The exquisite Lune
Glows softly

Your smile is
Benev'lent, your hand
Holds a knife

The sharp blade
Lodges in my heart
Until dawn

Memories
Sweet could-have-beens fall
Dark blood drops

Morning stirs
The phoenix heart lives
Aches to burn

Reluctant
You take your leave, but
Not for long

We are one
The gibbous moon bound
Nostalgia




Live for the Love of it,
The Happy Amateur

Do read about the form and find links to lunes here:
http://dversepoets.com/2013/01/03/la-lune/

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32 comments:

  1. Brian MillerJanuary 3, 2013 at 8:56 PM

    dang...this took a turn...i like the moon at the headdress....and then the knife to the heart...yikes! the could have beens falling like blood drops is really cool as well...

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  2. marousiaJanuary 3, 2013 at 11:15 PM

    Love the last one

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  3. SemaphoreJanuary 3, 2013 at 11:33 PM

    That's an excellent lune (ahem!) progression there! I'd say this evoked a clipped 5-7-5 classical haiku chain, but what a great way to bend the form to your function.

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    Replies
    1. Sasha A. PalmerJanuary 4, 2013 at 6:58 AM

      Thank you, Sam. The "bending" wasn't intentional :-) but I'm glad it worked.

      Delete
  4. jasmine calyxJanuary 4, 2013 at 12:01 AM

    This is awesome. Love it.

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  5. ClaudiaJanuary 4, 2013 at 2:45 AM

    haha...nice...enjoyed your tribute to the waning gibbous ..loon...made me smile

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  6. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2013 at 4:22 AM

    I really enjoyed the way you have avoided the cliched connection between the moon and romance by treading an altogether darker path. As to the form, there's quite a few folks have invented the 3-5-3 syllabic form in response to Sam's prompt; I guess you'll have to discuss among yourselves who came up with it first!!

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    Replies
    1. Sasha A. PalmerJanuary 4, 2013 at 7:00 AM

      There's only one "loon" though...I hope... :-)
      Thank you.

      Delete
  7. Kathy ReedJanuary 4, 2013 at 7:20 AM

    I like the 'sweet should have beens' ...smart application of lune form.

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  8. Sabio LantzJanuary 4, 2013 at 7:34 AM

    Nostalgia can burn. Are their words in English that distinguish between pleasant and painful nostalgia?



    "Sister of the night" makes me wonder who the brother is?
    And who is the sister? that she wears the moon?
    If this is a tribute to the moon, then the Lune can't wear a headress being the lune -- right?
    See my confusion.
    Most likely I am missing something -- I usually am ! :-)

    I did enjoy the flow of sound and rhythm -- the flow or image or sense is what threw me. Who is being addressed. "We are one." Wno is the we? You and the moon or you and nostalgia??

    Thanks for any hints. (following)


    Your form does obey the spirit of the form -- brevity. But when things are chained together, that disappears to a large extent. Almost every one chained -- sadly. One carefully chosen brief lune would have been such a pleasant change for d'Verse.

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    Replies
    1. Sasha A. PalmerJanuary 4, 2013 at 8:03 AM

      Thank you, Sabio. I'm in a little bit of trouble here: I could answer all your questions, but that would mean taking the poem apart and establishing the one and only way of interpreting it. I'd rather not do that.
      One hint :-) perhaps, it's harder to follow the poem, because there's no punctuation marks, try to envision them.
      As for chaining lunes together, I enjoy writing stand alone haiku, but I find it particularly interesting to write a chain and tell a story, so I wanted to try the same with a slightly different form. It was fun!

      Delete
    2. Sabio LantzJanuary 4, 2013 at 8:10 AM

      Oh, OK. Since any interpretation in poems is OK, and the intent of the author is not the point, then typos and mistakes can only improve a poem because they open up even further options for the reader to take the poem any way they want.

      Sorry, I thought the question would be helpful. When you say you are "troubled", I am imagining that such questions are uncomfortable. I will try to remember not to ask them when I am puzzled (tough for me - I have always been a question asker).

      Delete
    3. Sasha A. PalmerJanuary 4, 2013 at 8:30 AM

      No apologies needed. I felt slightly uncomfortable, because you asked specific questions, and I declined to answer them, but I explained why I did so.

      Delete
    4. Sabio LantzJanuary 5, 2013 at 7:33 AM

      Ah, I re-read. You are right -- the lack of punctuation and the splitting subjects across stanzas blocked my understanding.

      Day is the Sister of Night. "You" in "You emerge" is the moon.

      "Your" in "Your headdress" must be Night, since the headress is the moon. So we had two different "You's".

      The third stanza might be breaking into a metaphor of the moon to someone.

      Well, I tried. Even is questioning is taboo analytic profanity.

      Delete
    5. Sasha A. PalmerJanuary 5, 2013 at 10:10 AM

      Hi Sabio, I appreciate your reading my poem so studiously. It must have interested you, I'm glad.

      I didn't use punctuation at the end of the lines to follow (at least) one of the requirements of traditional haiku. Punctuation definitely clarifies things; if you play around with it, you'll find that there's only one "you" in the poem: Nostalgia.

      Delete
  9. Sabio LantzJanuary 4, 2013 at 7:36 AM

    BTW, you "Happy Amateur" blurb is the right column is superb -- I resonate deeply with the same.

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  10. kaykualaJanuary 4, 2013 at 8:30 AM

    Reluctant
    You take your leave, but
    Not for long

    Having a soft spot for someone can be most thrilling. You just can't be away for too long! As for the 'new' form, it's good to be innovative. Makes life more interesting. Nicely Alexandra!

    Hank

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  11. TigerbriteJanuary 4, 2013 at 10:27 AM

    Like this, very moonish :) A 3-5-3 haiku by accident, well done!

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  12. UnknownJanuary 4, 2013 at 12:00 PM

    A tale of relationship in a chain of Lunes. Clever. Your imagery is clear and accessible; and the piece flows, like the hours of the night, inevitably.

    http://www.kimnelsonwrites.com/2013/01/04/la-lune/

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  13. Other MaryJanuary 4, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Wow - love this! I very much like your chain of lunes creating one 'story' rather than individual ones. Kudos.

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  14. UnknownJanuary 4, 2013 at 7:59 PM

    Nicely done :)

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